Trauma Bonding vs Healthy Love: A Clear Checklist

Disclaimer: This is purely guidance — seek advice from a mental health professional if you’re concerned.

You can mistake intensity for intimacy. A trauma bond is a relationship that hooks you through high highs, low lows, and fear of loss, so you’ll tolerate behaviour you’d normally refuse. Healthy love is predictable, safe, and repairable—not boring, just regulated.

Below: a blunt checklist, a 5-minute self-scan, and practical scripts to change the pattern or leave safely.

TL;DR (the one-screen answer)

• Trauma bond = intermittent affection + control/chaos → anxiety, obsession, and shrinking boundaries.

• Healthy love = consistent care + honesty/repair → calm closeness, flexible boundaries, and growth.
  If you tick 8+ trauma items, treat it as a red flag, not a phase.

The Clear Checklist

1) Pace

• Trauma bond: Love-bombing, fast “soulmate” talk, big promises, quick exclusivity.

• Healthy love: Interested, steady, lets trust build. No rush to lock you down.

2) Consistency

• Trauma bond: Unpredictable—warm today, cold tomorrow; apologies without change.

• Healthy love: Words and actions match; fewer promises, more follow-through.

3) Power & control

• Trauma bond: One person sets the rules; uses guilt, fear, or shame.

• Healthy love: Shared power; decisions discussed; “no” is allowed.

4) Communication

• Trauma bond: Mind games, tests, stonewalling, defensiveness.

• Healthy love: Direct asks, active listening, accountability after missteps.

5) Jealousy & privacy

• Trauma bond: Phone checks, accusations, isolation from friends/family.

• Healthy love: Trust + reasonable transparency; privacy respected.

6) Boundaries

• Trauma bond: Your lines move to avoid conflict; you justify what hurts.

• Healthy love: Boundaries are clear, respected, and don’t require drama.

7) Conflict style

• Trauma bond: Explode–apologise–repeat; issues never actually resolve.

• Healthy love: Disagree → repair → adjust. Patterns improve over time.

8) Nervous system

• Trauma bond: Constant anxiety, hypervigilance, can’t sleep, chasing reassurance.

• Healthy love: Mostly calm baseline; excitement without dread.

9) Accountability

• Trauma bond: Blame-shifting, “If you hadn’t…”, victim play after hurting you.

• Healthy love: “I did that. I get why it hurt. Here’s how I’ll change.”

10) Intimacy & sex

• Trauma bond: Sex used to glue ruptures, avoid talk, or regulate fear.

• Healthy love: Emotional safety first; sex reflects connection—not panic.

11) Money & logistics

• Trauma bond: Financial control, favours as leverage, debt you didn’t agree to.

• Healthy love: Transparent plans; no hidden strings.

12) Truth & trust

• Trauma bond: Lies by omission, “you’re crazy” when you notice.

• Healthy love: Imperfect honesty, prompt corrections, earned trust.

13) Your identity

• Trauma bond: You shrink—stop hobbies, hide opinions, lose confidence.

• Healthy love: You grow—more authentic, supported, and respected.

14) Safety

• Trauma bond: You’re scared of their moods; you manage them to stay safe.

• Healthy love: You can be imperfect without fear; repairs are safe.

15) Future

• Trauma bond: Constant threats to leave / tests of commitment.

• Healthy love: Shared plans with flexible timelines; no ultimatums.

5-Minute Self-Scan

Tick all that fit right now:

1. I feel anxious waiting for their messages and relief when they reply.

2. I excuse behaviour I’d never accept from a friend.

3. We break up and reunite in cycles.

4. I keep secrets about the relationship to avoid judgement.

5. I feel smaller, less confident, or isolated.

6. They apologise but repeat the same actions.

7. I fear their anger, withdrawal, or silent treatment.

8. Sex often patches conflict instead of conversation.

9. My sleep, work, or health is slipping.

10. I’m not myself—I walk on eggshells.

0–3: Mostly healthy dynamics; keep building skills.
4–7: Risk zone—address patterns now.
8–10: Likely trauma bonding—prioritise safety and boundaries; consider exiting with support.

Why Trauma Bonds Feel Addictive (plain English)

• Unpredictable rewards (nice/mean cycles) train the brain to chase the next high.

• Fear of loss (“I’ll leave”, silent treatment) fuses love with anxiety.

• Isolation removes reality checks.

• Identity hook (“only we understand us”) keeps you invested.

You’re not “weak”—you’re wired. You need structure to break the loop.

If You Want to Try to Repair (conditions required)

Only attempt this if there’s no violence or coercion.

1. Non-negotiables: No lying, tracking, threats, or insults—zero tolerance.

2. Structure: Weekly couple sessions (EFT/attachment-based) + individual therapy for both.

3. Repair rule: Every rupture gets a repair within 24–48 hours.

4. Transparency: Phone/social transparency for a defined period if trust was broken—mutual, not punitive.

5. Metrics: Track behaviours (not vibes): raised voices/week, repairs made, agreed routines kept.

If these don’t hold for 6–8 weeks, stop “trying”—protect yourself.

If You Need to Leave (break the loop)

1. Safety first: Tell one trusted person; plan where you’ll stay; secure documents, money, meds.

2. Digital hygiene: Change passwords, disable location sharing, block on everything.

3. No-contact window: Minimum 30 days. If kids/logistics require contact, use written, factual only.

4. Replace the hit: Daily grounding (walk, breathwork), social contact, and therapy—withdrawal is real.

5. Document: Keep a timeline of incidents. If needed, speak to local legal/advocacy services.

If you feel unsafe, contact local emergency services or a domestic abuse helpline in your country immediately.

Word-for-Word Scripts (copy, adapt)

Ask for consistency (no testing):
“Small changes spin me up. Can we set two check-in times each day this week—9am and 8pm—so I’m not guessing?”

Boundary on tone:
“I’ll talk about anything, but not with raised voices. If it happens, I’ll pause for 20 minutes and we’ll try again.”

Repair request (after minimising):
“When I raised X, you said I was overreacting. I need you to summarise what you heard and acknowledge my perspective before we decide what to do.”

Declining sex after conflict:
“I want us, and I need an emotional repair before we’re physical. Let’s talk for 15 minutes first.”

Break-up (clear, safe, no debate):
“I’m ending this relationship. I’m not opening a discussion. I wish you well, and I won’t be in contact.”
(Then block. Tell a friend. Follow the plan.)

What Therapy Actually Does Here

• Maps your loop: trigger → body state → protest behaviour → consequence.

• Regulates your body: breath, grounding, sleep, routine—so you can choose instead of react.

• Processes the origin: trauma/attachment work (EMDR, IFS, somatic) so present cues stop feeling like past danger.

• Trains secure behaviours: clear asks, boundaries, repair rituals, pacing intimacy.

• Protects reality: a therapist who names the pattern when you minimise it.

Bottom Line

Trauma bonds aren’t proof of “crazy chemistry.” They’re anxious systems glued together by fear and intermittent reward. Healthy love is steadier, kinder, and still passionate—because safety is attractive. If your body is always braced, call it what it is and choose a plan.

Disclaimer: This is purely guidance — seek advice from a mental health professional if you’re concerned.

Ready to build secure love—or exit safely?

At AWKN, we match you with culturally aligned therapists (English or Arabic) who specialise in attachment, trauma, and couples work. You’ll leave session one with a clear plan.

If you’re interested, we’re offering 50% off your first session at just 375 AED — helping you have a low-barrier entry to therapy.